500 things they never tell you...The pregnancy chronicles

#41 Morning sickness on the side of the road can be mistaken for drunk in public by your local police authorities. This really happened to me! TWICE!

#42 There is no record of a 40lb baby...you just ate too many doughnuts during your 3rd trimester.

#43 You really have no idea how many people are going to see your vagina. The amazing part is, you could care less.

#44 You can be pregnant in your ass.

#45 You will pee all over yourself for the rest of your life after you have a baby.

#46 Throw away your underwear. That stain ain't coming out!

#47 When they tell you to push...a baby ain't the only thing that might come out.

#48 Hemorrhoids are for real, go ahead and buy the tucks!

#49 Your pregnant belly is a hand magnet.

#50 Rarely does your "water break" like it does on T.V.

#51 Sex is almost impossible. However, you are probably more horny than you have ever been in your life.

#52 You can't shave what you can't see.

#53 You leave the hospital with a baby and you still look pregnant.

#54 "Compliments" like.."wow your really starting to show". "Wow, your really big"
"Your ready to pop, must be due any day" In reality you are not due for another 8-12 weeks. I lied to strangers and said I was due any minute at 6 months along.

#55 After delivery your feet are bigger and they stay that way FOREVER!

#56 During pregnancy, words like 'mucas plug' and 'episiotomy' are acceptable dinner table topics.

#57 You will say or at least think horrible things about your husband during labor.

#58 You will want to bitch-slap the next person who asks you when you are due.

#59 Everyone has an opinion on what you should or should not do while you are pregnant.

#60 Stretch marks are NOT badges of honor. Oh yeah, they don't "fade" either!

500 things they never tell you about being a Mom

After the huge response to my blog post yesterday, I am inspired to continue writing about my observations as a Mother. So back by popular demand....here goes.

#21 It is a fun game to slowly walk down the aisle of the airplane with your toddler and watch the faces of horror as they plead with God that you choose a different seat.

#22 Some people will judge you for breastfeeding and the rest will judge you for formula feeding.

#23 You can slave over the stove for hours to prepare a meal and your kid will beg you for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches instead.

#24 You brag about your kid. It annoys people. You don't care.

#25 Kids don't care if you are sick, have cramps, or a New Year's Day hangover.

#26 Your kids embarrass you now...you will embarrass them later. It is a trade off.

#27 Buying batteries will deplete your savings.

#28 Your kids will want to see the inside of every bathroom at every restaurant, store, airplane, and church.

#29 You will consider using duct tape and paper towels when you run out of diapers. It is easier than going to the store.

#30 You believe your kid is brilliant, everyone else believes your kid is annoying and "too big for his britches."

#31 If you try to keep your kids from eating food off the floor, you will not only lose, you will lose your mind in the process.

#32 Kids get sick A LOT! Less if you breastfeed, but they will still get sick.

#33 Kids eat boogers and they could care less who sees them do it.

#34 Your kids think you know everything now and nothing later.

#35 Babies don't always smell that great.

#36 Hand-me-downs are vital in the financial survival of your family.

#37 It is fun to watch a baby eat a lemon wedge.

#38 Servers hate you! They cringe to see you seated in their section. They may consider plotting your death if you are the cool parent who orders your kid a virgin strawberry pina colada. Don't believe me? Order one and watch them try to not roll their eyes.

#39 You don't need to buy Dreft to wash your babies clothes. Hell, I sometimes forget to even use the cheap laundry soap I bought on double coupon day.

#40 All that cute crap you thought you really needed to register for your baby shower will rarely get used. REGISTER FOR DIAPERS!

500 things they never tell you about being a Mom

Because I have so many of my close girlfriends either pregnant or "pulling the goalie" this year, I thought I would offer my insight to the journey they are about to begin. So here is the first chapter of what I think will be a very useful and entertaining guide to being a first time Mother.

#1 You will lose hair on your head and grow hair on your face after pregnancy. Just accept it and schedule the waxing.

#2 It is socially acceptable to go to the grocery store in your pajamas to buy infant Tylenol at one in the morning.

#3 You will NEVER be able to watch a movie or television program about child abduction, childhood illnesses, or 'Children of the Corn' type story lines.

#4 If your husband says "Sure honey, I will get up with you at 3am to help feed the baby," HE IS A LIAR. Do not fall for this ploy by the childless man. It is a trap!

#5 You will learn to be okay with spit-up stains on your best blouse and Cheerios stuck in you hair.

#6 There is no "good time" for sex...take it where you can get it!

#7 You will begin choosing your restaurants based on their "Kids Eat Free" nights.

#8 Bribery is and always will be the best bargaining tool for a screaming toddler.

#9 Do you remember how people used to open doors for you and give you their seat on the bus when you were pregnant? Well, kiss that goodbye. These same people seem to suddenly go blind when you are hauling a baby,diaper bag and stroller. Doors that were held open for you while expecting, suddenly slam shut on your nose when they "don't see" you coming.

#10 It is useless to close the bathroom door...they are coming in whether you like it or not.

#11 It is easier to buy another car seat than it is to remove, wash, and replace the cover.

#12 You will begin to love Sesame Street. You have to or you will lose your mind.

#13 It is no big deal to get your baby's poop on your hands...Wash them and move on.

#14 It is considered "sleeping in" if your kids doesn't wake up until 7:30am

#15 You will take WAY TOO MANY pictures of your kids.

#16 Dad's are fun, Mom's are mean.

#17 Babies do not like it when you giggle them around too much after a feeding. I found this out the hard way.

#18 Grandma's will give your kids candy. They have been waiting for years to jack your kid up on sugar and send them home to you.

#19 Don't buy cheap diapers. Again, this a lesson I learned the hard way.

#20 you cannot get out of Wal-Mart without letting your kid ride that stupid mechanical horse. Always have quarters or suffer the consequences.

So there is 1-20 for you to think about for a while.