500 things they never tell you about being a Mom

Because I have so many of my close girlfriends either pregnant or "pulling the goalie" this year, I thought I would offer my insight to the journey they are about to begin. So here is the first chapter of what I think will be a very useful and entertaining guide to being a first time Mother.

#1 You will lose hair on your head and grow hair on your face after pregnancy. Just accept it and schedule the waxing.

#2 It is socially acceptable to go to the grocery store in your pajamas to buy infant Tylenol at one in the morning.

#3 You will NEVER be able to watch a movie or television program about child abduction, childhood illnesses, or 'Children of the Corn' type story lines.

#4 If your husband says "Sure honey, I will get up with you at 3am to help feed the baby," HE IS A LIAR. Do not fall for this ploy by the childless man. It is a trap!

#5 You will learn to be okay with spit-up stains on your best blouse and Cheerios stuck in you hair.

#6 There is no "good time" for sex...take it where you can get it!

#7 You will begin choosing your restaurants based on their "Kids Eat Free" nights.

#8 Bribery is and always will be the best bargaining tool for a screaming toddler.

#9 Do you remember how people used to open doors for you and give you their seat on the bus when you were pregnant? Well, kiss that goodbye. These same people seem to suddenly go blind when you are hauling a baby,diaper bag and stroller. Doors that were held open for you while expecting, suddenly slam shut on your nose when they "don't see" you coming.

#10 It is useless to close the bathroom door...they are coming in whether you like it or not.

#11 It is easier to buy another car seat than it is to remove, wash, and replace the cover.

#12 You will begin to love Sesame Street. You have to or you will lose your mind.

#13 It is no big deal to get your baby's poop on your hands...Wash them and move on.

#14 It is considered "sleeping in" if your kids doesn't wake up until 7:30am

#15 You will take WAY TOO MANY pictures of your kids.

#16 Dad's are fun, Mom's are mean.

#17 Babies do not like it when you giggle them around too much after a feeding. I found this out the hard way.

#18 Grandma's will give your kids candy. They have been waiting for years to jack your kid up on sugar and send them home to you.

#19 Don't buy cheap diapers. Again, this a lesson I learned the hard way.

#20 you cannot get out of Wal-Mart without letting your kid ride that stupid mechanical horse. Always have quarters or suffer the consequences.

So there is 1-20 for you to think about for a while.