500 things they never tell you about being a Mom...The Holiday Chronicles

In an effort to hold up my end of the bargain in my mission to complete the "500 things they never tell you about being a Mother, I give you "The Holiday Chronicles." I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.



#61 Black Friday is very, very important.

#62 Shopping with your kids for their gift is only allowed until the kid is able to rat you out for eating an entire pound of fudge while you shopped.

#63 You will stand in line to purchase a cheap, Chinese-made animal that has a "code" for a mind-numbing online game. You may even wrestle one out of an elderly ladies hands in a Christmas Eve fit of desperation.

#64 If you are lucky enough to have a Christmas baby, be prepared for 15 hideous, green or red, "My first Christmas outfits."

#66 You will receive 15 hideous, green or red, "My first Christmas outfits" if your baby is born any other month than December.

#67 Pointsettas are poisonous. Donate them to your local cemetery. FYI...they are also poisonous for pets as well.

#68 You don't have to buy everything on the list. If your kid is a brat...maybe you shouldn't buy any of it.

#69 Teaching your children to give is the best gift you can offer.

#70 Stringing popcorn isn't as much fun as they make it look on "Little House on the Prarie."

#71 Babies don't care about Christmas. In fact most kids could care less until 3. So don't stress about having a perfect holiday.

#72 People will give your kids a ton of candy behind your back.

#73 It is physically impossible for a kid under 3 to not touch the Christmas tree.

#74 Christmas cookies are fun to make with your kids, but don't expect them to look like the ones Martha made on her show last week. You will be lucky if they are edible.

#75 Remember that joy you felt as a child when celebrating Christmas? It is nowhere near the joy you will feel when you watch your children experience it for the 1st time.

500 things they never tell you...The pregnancy chronicles

#41 Morning sickness on the side of the road can be mistaken for drunk in public by your local police authorities. This really happened to me! TWICE!

#42 There is no record of a 40lb baby...you just ate too many doughnuts during your 3rd trimester.

#43 You really have no idea how many people are going to see your vagina. The amazing part is, you could care less.

#44 You can be pregnant in your ass.

#45 You will pee all over yourself for the rest of your life after you have a baby.

#46 Throw away your underwear. That stain ain't coming out!

#47 When they tell you to push...a baby ain't the only thing that might come out.

#48 Hemorrhoids are for real, go ahead and buy the tucks!

#49 Your pregnant belly is a hand magnet.

#50 Rarely does your "water break" like it does on T.V.

#51 Sex is almost impossible. However, you are probably more horny than you have ever been in your life.

#52 You can't shave what you can't see.

#53 You leave the hospital with a baby and you still look pregnant.

#54 "Compliments" like.."wow your really starting to show". "Wow, your really big"
"Your ready to pop, must be due any day" In reality you are not due for another 8-12 weeks. I lied to strangers and said I was due any minute at 6 months along.

#55 After delivery your feet are bigger and they stay that way FOREVER!

#56 During pregnancy, words like 'mucas plug' and 'episiotomy' are acceptable dinner table topics.

#57 You will say or at least think horrible things about your husband during labor.

#58 You will want to bitch-slap the next person who asks you when you are due.

#59 Everyone has an opinion on what you should or should not do while you are pregnant.

#60 Stretch marks are NOT badges of honor. Oh yeah, they don't "fade" either!

500 things they never tell you about being a Mom

After the huge response to my blog post yesterday, I am inspired to continue writing about my observations as a Mother. So back by popular demand....here goes.

#21 It is a fun game to slowly walk down the aisle of the airplane with your toddler and watch the faces of horror as they plead with God that you choose a different seat.

#22 Some people will judge you for breastfeeding and the rest will judge you for formula feeding.

#23 You can slave over the stove for hours to prepare a meal and your kid will beg you for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches instead.

#24 You brag about your kid. It annoys people. You don't care.

#25 Kids don't care if you are sick, have cramps, or a New Year's Day hangover.

#26 Your kids embarrass you now...you will embarrass them later. It is a trade off.

#27 Buying batteries will deplete your savings.

#28 Your kids will want to see the inside of every bathroom at every restaurant, store, airplane, and church.

#29 You will consider using duct tape and paper towels when you run out of diapers. It is easier than going to the store.

#30 You believe your kid is brilliant, everyone else believes your kid is annoying and "too big for his britches."

#31 If you try to keep your kids from eating food off the floor, you will not only lose, you will lose your mind in the process.

#32 Kids get sick A LOT! Less if you breastfeed, but they will still get sick.

#33 Kids eat boogers and they could care less who sees them do it.

#34 Your kids think you know everything now and nothing later.

#35 Babies don't always smell that great.

#36 Hand-me-downs are vital in the financial survival of your family.

#37 It is fun to watch a baby eat a lemon wedge.

#38 Servers hate you! They cringe to see you seated in their section. They may consider plotting your death if you are the cool parent who orders your kid a virgin strawberry pina colada. Don't believe me? Order one and watch them try to not roll their eyes.

#39 You don't need to buy Dreft to wash your babies clothes. Hell, I sometimes forget to even use the cheap laundry soap I bought on double coupon day.

#40 All that cute crap you thought you really needed to register for your baby shower will rarely get used. REGISTER FOR DIAPERS!

500 things they never tell you about being a Mom

Because I have so many of my close girlfriends either pregnant or "pulling the goalie" this year, I thought I would offer my insight to the journey they are about to begin. So here is the first chapter of what I think will be a very useful and entertaining guide to being a first time Mother.

#1 You will lose hair on your head and grow hair on your face after pregnancy. Just accept it and schedule the waxing.

#2 It is socially acceptable to go to the grocery store in your pajamas to buy infant Tylenol at one in the morning.

#3 You will NEVER be able to watch a movie or television program about child abduction, childhood illnesses, or 'Children of the Corn' type story lines.

#4 If your husband says "Sure honey, I will get up with you at 3am to help feed the baby," HE IS A LIAR. Do not fall for this ploy by the childless man. It is a trap!

#5 You will learn to be okay with spit-up stains on your best blouse and Cheerios stuck in you hair.

#6 There is no "good time" for sex...take it where you can get it!

#7 You will begin choosing your restaurants based on their "Kids Eat Free" nights.

#8 Bribery is and always will be the best bargaining tool for a screaming toddler.

#9 Do you remember how people used to open doors for you and give you their seat on the bus when you were pregnant? Well, kiss that goodbye. These same people seem to suddenly go blind when you are hauling a baby,diaper bag and stroller. Doors that were held open for you while expecting, suddenly slam shut on your nose when they "don't see" you coming.

#10 It is useless to close the bathroom door...they are coming in whether you like it or not.

#11 It is easier to buy another car seat than it is to remove, wash, and replace the cover.

#12 You will begin to love Sesame Street. You have to or you will lose your mind.

#13 It is no big deal to get your baby's poop on your hands...Wash them and move on.

#14 It is considered "sleeping in" if your kids doesn't wake up until 7:30am

#15 You will take WAY TOO MANY pictures of your kids.

#16 Dad's are fun, Mom's are mean.

#17 Babies do not like it when you giggle them around too much after a feeding. I found this out the hard way.

#18 Grandma's will give your kids candy. They have been waiting for years to jack your kid up on sugar and send them home to you.

#19 Don't buy cheap diapers. Again, this a lesson I learned the hard way.

#20 you cannot get out of Wal-Mart without letting your kid ride that stupid mechanical horse. Always have quarters or suffer the consequences.

So there is 1-20 for you to think about for a while.

Our Baby is going to be two. How did this happen?

It has been a ride! The last two years filled with all of those things that you don't realize you are going to miss so much. The nighttime feedings, the sweet little goo's and gaa's as they learn to talk, the precious moments you have nursing your baby with no sound and only the moonlight bouncing off of your shoulder. The first tooth, first word, the first step. It all seems like a distant memory yet feels as if it were a second ago. Right before my eyes I am watching a baby turn onto a child. An independent individual with imagination and opinions. A little girl with so much to say and a hunger to learn everything about her world. A fearless toddler with no hesitation when trying to conquer new challenges. A beautiful child who stole my heart the moment I knew I was carrying her inside me. Nobody tells you that the decision to have a child is to forever have your heart walking around outside your body. I thought I knew what love was, but I had no idea!

Mommy's Girly-Girl

Hannah discovered Mommy's jewlery box today. We had a great time dressing up and looking at ourselves in the mirror. I think she is beautiful, but it is never too early to teach your child that beauty is only skin deep. Pretty is as pretty does.

Shutterfly | Manage my pictures

Shutterfly | Manage my pictures

HAPPY EASTER!

Hannah finally had the opportunity to celebrate Easter like a kid...not a baby. She was thriled with her Easter basket full of plastic eggs, bubbles, and toys. She loved dressing up in her beautiful dress and having her hair done almost as much as Mommy enjoyed seeing her. She looked like a modern day Shirley Temple.

Sisters and Friends!

Hannah is now 18 months old. If those of you with children will recall this time in your parenting life, you will understand why I haven't written a new post lately.

Deziray and Alessondra visited us a few weeks ago. It was so much fun to see our girls together again. I can't believe that Deziray and I are parents. We are both assertive, strong-willed Mothers with a great expectations for our beautiful daughters.

All though I am the older sister, I depend on Deziray for so much advice. She coached me through nursing problems, teething, behavior problems, and sleeping issues. Deziray is my sister first, but she is also my best friend. Yes, the same sister that used to beat me up for not doing her hair properly is now my friend. The same sister that I tried to kill, using her head as a batting ram into the bathroom drywall, is now my confidan. Who would have ever thought this was possible? At any rate, I just wanted to thank her for being my "Go-to person." I love her very much.